My mind today is flooded with adolescent miss deeds and young adult failures. The love that I had and the Love that I missed out on! The fact that at 28 I am just now owning my first car and really living on my own! I am one to always say go with out fear because God has been there before you have and he knows just what is meant to happen! So I wonder why right now why my head is plagued with fear and thoughts that I can not explain. I am one who normally has a clear vision for what I am trying to do with my life. But right now I have a lack there of, I need a God moment.

I need for it to be like when Doubting Timothy saw Christ after his death, for Christ to just out right tell me you I died for you. I know he did but right now my heart is weak and it is down. I feel as if I am back to my old ways, slowly slipping back in to my old ways that keep me hidden in fear. The old and dark addictions of the past.

I am reminded of the times when I would get high basically based on fear. I would smoke pot to not worry about the next day or what was going wrong in my life at the time.

And I also remember when I became sober and did not need to do any of the crap that had filled my life so much and kept me hiding in fear. So today my heart aches and burns and hurts, because for some reason I feel as if the fear is coming back. The need to hide from what ever is going on in my life. But I do not want to go back to riding the subway baked out of my mind not knowing what stop to get off at. Not have a clear vision of my life. Not being in control of anything in my life!

Today I know I have control. And it is because I have seen Christ and I know he is real.

" What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who was raised who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger or sword? As it is written. " For your sake we are being killed all the day long: we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more then CONQUERORS through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angles nor demons, nor things in the present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39